Take Your Toxic Masculinity And Shove It

I am HEATED rn. FUMING.

I just got home from a night out with a girlfriend; we’d gone to a local country music bar. It was our first time going and our goal was to people watch and maybe try some country dancing. We never expected to be accosted by a toxic asshole. But that’s exactly what happened. All because my friend grabbed an open seat at the bar.

After seeing a woman get off a chair and walk away, my friend grabbed it to have a seat. Within 30 seconds, some asshat came up to her and passive aggressively commented about how he’d been sitting there all night, that it was his seat. My friend, God bless her, reminded him of the woman sitting in it before she took it and Mr. Big Shot didn’t like that. So he proceeded to turn his back to her, while glancing her way every minute or so, pointing his fingers at her, talking about her to his girlfriend, nudging her with his body and then ultimately getting in her face, telling her she was ugly and chastising her for stealing his seat at the bar.

So I decide to insert myself in between the two of them and tell him to get out of her face, which is when he proceeded to call me fat and tell me I look old.

It’s comical really, that that’s all the ammunition he had to fight back. But it makes an interesting point: this is what toxic masculinity really is.

Toxic masculinity has become a new buzzword and I think a lot of people aren’t really sure what it means. I think it is often misused and misunderstood and is often used out of context. I recently saw a friend’s Facebook post about toxic masculinity and I think he hit the nail on the head: the gist of his post was that toxic masculinity is actually the lack of masculinity; that being a masculine man means being a stand-up, respectful guy. And those that are passive aggressive, misogynistic, violent or disrespectful actually lack masculinity.  

This jerk exemplifies the toxic masculine: attacking a woman for taking a seat at a public space, calling her and her friend names and getting in their face physically are childish and unnecessary. I’d like to point out that his comments to us were also based on our appearance, which is misogynistic in its own right; calling me fat and old and her ugly have nothing to do with taking his chair and everything to do with him being a dick.

I wish I got some of this on video, or at the very least, snapped his picture. I’d love to display it all over the interwebs to show the world what a piece of shit this guy is. But alas, all I have is the memory of his little rat face showing through my middle finger as he walked away after getting kicked out of the bar.

Kudos to the bartender who watched this whole thing unfold and stood up for us. I feel bad for the woman he was with. At one point I wanted to ask her if she was ok, if this guy was bothering her, but I didn’t. I worry that perhaps she endures this behavior often and I feel for her. She was silent through it all, which says a lot on it’s own.  

I think about how a masculine man would have behaved in this instance. I would assume that 99% of men wouldn’t say a word about a lady taking a seat at the bar, regardless of how long they may or may not have sat there. In fact, I have seen and experienced men kindly offer chairs to women in instances like this.

I thank God that it’s taken me 38 years to see this bullshit first-hand. Never in my life have I been close a fight like this. I couldn’t believe that a man would be so aggressive to women in a public place; that he would argue over a chair. The whole thing is ludicrous.

I’m grateful for my voice, for the voice of my girlfriend and for the authority of the bartender to kick his ass out. We left the bar looking over our shoulders as we walked to the car. We made it home safely with only the scars of his words left on our minds and are thankful for escaping this dangerous scenario in one piece. I hope he learned something tonight; I know I did.