How Supportive Are You?

I want to talk about the concept of “support.”

In a recent conversation with a friend, I was venting about how my ex-husband was verbally abusing me for an idea I had to grow my business. My friend has always been very supportive of everything I’ve ever done or wanted to do (hence the reason we’re friends) and he said, “your dreams should never be dismissed without being fully heard.”

WOW. MIND BLOWN.

Support is something I have lacked in partnerships all my life, especially in my marriage. I don’t talk about my marriage publicly because for some reason I thought it was important to protect my ex-husband and his family. I think silencing my experience for the sake of his ego isn’t worth it anymore.

Support comes in many forms: most often when we hear the word support, we think of it in financial terms. Child support, spousal support, etc. Money given to someone to help them afford or pay for something. But what about emotional support? Physical support? Mental support?

I’ve always had financial support from my ex in terms of child support, he’s been great at providing his state-allocated portion to help support the kids. Never missed a payment. I’m lucky that way. But what I never had was emotional, physical or mental support from him.

I’ll take a minute to define what I mean by these things:

1.       Emotional support: offering a listening ear and attention to hear what your partner is saying. Give them a moment to express themselves. Listen attentively, process, respond in a supportive manner. Just HEAR them. That’s all this is about. Obviously if your partner is talking to you about something, it means something to them. Being emotionally supportive means being present and respecting their thoughts and emotions. You don’t have to agree, but you should at the very least listen.

2.       Physical support: this can mean a multitude of things because we all experience our physicality differently. But for me, this means being physically attentive; offering a hug or an arm as a means of support. “Take my hand” is literally a form of physical support. It offers comfort and protection. Feeling safe is paramount in any relationship, and physical support does just that.

3.       Mental support: this one is all about validation. Validating thoughts and feelings, validating reactions and responses. The opposite of this would be calling your wife “crazy” when she has a big idea she wants to pursue. Being mentally supportive would entail listening and discussing her thoughts. Walking her through it, in a neutral, non-destructive way.

If you are lacking these things in your relationship, the relationship will fail. Guaranteed. One (or both) of you will seek this support outside of your relationship. How many times have you heard someone say, I cheated on my spouse because they didn’t give me what I need? That’s always the reason for cheating! Think about it! Sex and money are the number one reasons for infidelity. If all of our relationships were fulfilling, no one would have wandering eyes. But relationships are HARD, friends. They take a lot of work and attention. And complacency will kill it every time.

In my own experience, I was told that my ideas didn’t matter. That my feelings didn’t matter. You know what mattered? Money. Money was put above my emotional well-being, my desires, my health. Money was king in my relationship. And lucky for me, I made a lot of it. That kept me desirable, on some level. I was a cash cow. But after being dismissed on so many other levels, my marriage slowly dissolved. My husband wasn’t getting what he needed from me because he was not supporting me the way I needed to be supported. When you are not giving and receiving in ways that speak to you (please go read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman right now to learn how), YOU WILL GO SEEK IT ELSEWHERE. And that’s what happened in my marriage.

I can’t begin to express the feeling of betrayal. There are no words to accurately describe the toll it takes on you mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically. It pummels your very existence into the ground, beneath the concrete into a pile of rubble. And there you are, left to put the pieces back together. Not only are you shattered, but the one person you’re supposed to be able to rely on “through thick and thin” is not there. And even if they stay, you don’t trust them. You never will again.

So, if you’re lucky, you have support in others. You have good friends and close family that help you pick up the pieces and rebuild. And you move on with your life because you have to. And eventually you rise from the ashes and become stronger than you were before, albeit with a gigantic chip on your shoulder.

But what I’m getting at here is how it all starts with support; it is so crucial. I can’t stress enough how important it is to learn your partner and more importantly, learn yourself. Learn yourself so you can express what you need effectively.  

Even today, almost four years after our separation, his lack of support still haunts me. We have a good co-parenting relationship, but nothing more than that (although at times I’m optimistic that we can be friends, but there’s too much hatred to overcome on his side). And to this day, I’ll mention things that could help me (and our kids) and my career, and I’m met with utter disdain and dismissiveness. I’m accused of being crazy, controlling, flighty; I am none of those things. I often wonder if I had known myself better years ago, could I have helped him help me? Could I have made him more compassionate, more understanding, more caring? They say people don’t change, but I’ve seen it first-hand in some of my friends. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, knowledge is power. Knowing and learning and evolving will always give you an advantage.

So I implore you, please take an objective look at yourself and your relationships. Ask yourself the tough questions: Am I seeing things clearly? Am I fulfilling the needs of my partner? What am I lacking that I need from them? It most definitely could help save your relationship.