Getting Real

Everyone has a story. This is mine.

It took me about 2 months to recognize that the life I was living didn’t belong to me. It was a harsh realization that hit me at my rock bottom, about 2 years ago. I found myself at a fork in the road, with decisions to make and a feeling of uncertainty that was so overwhelming, I was paralyzed. I’ve always been a woman who knows what she wants (an often gets it). I work hard; I’m driven, motivated and smart enough to figure it out….or so I thought…until all this happened. Then it all went dark.

I found myself in a job that didn’t serve me; a relationship that left me feeling empty; and no one around to help me through it. It’s true what they say, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” But living in that space day in and day out, alone...it’ll make you question everything and wonder if you really have what it takes to make it through.

It took everything I had to get out of bed every day. It took strength just to eat, breathe, move. I’m lucky I had my kids around to keep my brain semi-occupied. I was reeling in the “what-ifs” and the “what do I do’s.” It was like my brain was on repeat, spinning the same song over and over again. I yearned for something to trigger, for something to change in that repetition. But it just kept going and I was lost.

In my despair, I did what anyone who is looking for answers does…I went to see a psychic (insert cynical sounds here). To me, psychics are legit; I’ve always been a very spiritual person, but that side of me had been stifled for many, many years. Faced with no one to talk to and nowhere to go, I reached out to a psychic I found on Yelp, of all places. And she CHANGED. MY. LIFE.

The experience was like nothing I’d ever encountered before. There I was before her, a broken shell of a person, and one of the first things she said to me is, “You’re pretending.” At the time, I had no idea what she was talking about. I was heartbroken and was consumed with feelings of loss and aloneness. I couldn’t even fathom what she meant…that’s not why I was there. I wasn’t there to talk about how I live my life; I was there to talk about healing my heart. And through a couple weeks of soul searching and following her recommendations for healing, it all became clear; my life was a lie. What I didn’t realize was that this lie was perpetuating everything else in my life…one lie lead to another which led to another which left me empty. So the question then became, who am I?

It’s a terribly difficult question to answer. It took me months of internal work to figure it out. And it is still an evolving process. But it starts with being honest with yourself. It starts with the ability to look at pieces of your life and admit to yourself that things may not be what you think they are. And it takes a lot of work to uncover the truth of who you are.

Honesty is a funny word. It’s all subjective, right? In its simplest terms, honesty is defined as the quality of being fair and truthful. But fair and truthful are internal values that we all hold. The question is, do you have what it takes to be fair and truthful WITH YOURSELF? To look deep inside and to question everything in your life? For me, it was somewhat painful to not only recognize that so many facets of my life were untruthful to who I was, but then to address these disparities and “fix” them? Where do I start?

Being HONEST and really fucking CLEAR with yourself is where it all starts to take off. I asked myself, “What do I want?” in every aspect of my life. What do I want to do for work? What do I want in a partner? What kind of friends do I want? What kind of persona do I want to project to the world? How do I want to be treated? What does it mean to love myself? What does love really look like to me? The list goes on and on. The trick is to ask yourself these questions all the time until it becomes CRYSTAL CLEAR. Make a list. Journal. Draw pictures. Whatever it takes for you to define what it is that you WANT in your life…DO IT. And don’t wait. Defining what you want in life is the beginning of your transformation. Being specific empowers you to look at each facet of your life in a discerning way that allows you to either accept or reject anything that does or does not serve you. This is where you claim your POWER.

The more honest you are with yourself, the better off you will be. And honesty can be a tough one. But remember that it is internal TO YOU. You make up the rules to this game. You define the outcome by what you desire. So make it about YOU. Not your partner; not your boss; not your kids. This is about YOU. Go find out who you REALLY are and go get REAL.

I look back at that time in my life, a couple years ago, when my world was falling apart. I’ve come a long way in that amount of time but let me tell you, it took WORK. Real, raw, unfiltered WORK. I had to face certain truths in my life that were painful. I had to lovingly accept things about myself in order for me to release the guilt or stigma associated with my choices. I had to own my shit. Being honest with yourself about who you are is the first step on this journey and is by far the hardest. But once you own it, everything will start to fall into place.

I want to leave you with a song that speaks my TRUTH. During this difficult time, I found solace in music. This song speaks volumes to me and what I’ve been through. I hope that it helps you to not feel alone; to know there are others out there experiencing the same things you are and to recognize that with work, you can overcome your challenges. You can find the video with lyrics here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JELZH8zCe_c

Salt by Bad Suns

Stuck inside of the wrong frame
I don't feel attached to this name
My body, I must reclaim
With different eyes and no shame

Try, try to just hear me out
Don't ask why, why
But I'm taking this route
It's alright, right?
That's what I tell myself, but I don't know know

So I ran 'til I couldn't and I screamed, 'til my voice was gone
I believed what I shouldn't have, I don't know why
These memories are nothing to me just salt

Look in the mirror and tell me
What it is like to be free
How do I grasp reality
When I don't have an identity!
Who, who can I look to 'cause I'm not like you, you
And I don't believe in the truth, truth
Because all of my life's built on lies

So I ran 'til I couldn't and I screamed, 'til my voice was gone
I believed what I shouldn't have, I don't know why

I know what you're implying
I'm trying to get my feet off the ground
I know, I know, I'm trying, I'm trying
These memories are nothing to me just salt!

Stuck inside of the wrong frame,
I don't feel attached to this name
How do I grasp reality
When I don't have an identity!
Who, who can I look to 'cause I'm not like you, you
And I don't believe in the truth, truth
'Cause all of my life's built on lies, uh!

So I ran 'til I couldn't and I screamed, 'til my voice was gone
I believed what I shouldn't have, I don't know why
Yeah, I ran 'til I couldn't and I screamed, 'til my voice was gone
I believed what I shouldn't have,
I'm trying to get my feet off the ground
These memories are nothing to me just salt in the wound