If I Could Go Back
I posted this photo to my Instagram account today. It's a photo of me from 17 years ago, as a college freshman at the University of Washington. Now keep in mind that it has been 17 years...that's a long ass time. I can barely remember yesterday let alone 17 years ago. But looking at this photo brought back a flood of emotions and with it, a desire to acknowledge my young self and provide words of wisdom and advice. She was so young. She didn't know any better.
It was almost painful to look at this and see my face. The amount of perspective that age and time give you really is incredible. I was so damn young. I was so naive. I was so insecure. And to think that at that time, that's when I was supposed to be defining myself. That's when I was supposed to be choosing a major in a field I knew nothing about. That was a time when I was supposed to be charting out my life's course, figuring out a job and a career. And all I could think when looking at this photo was: what the fuck did I know back then? A hell of a lot of NOTHING.
If I could go back, I would tell this girl so many things. I would talk her ear off for hours about how awesome her life could be if she'd just listen to her heart. I'd tell her to go to art school and focus on something that she loved to do. I'd tell her not to worry about finding a career right then because she'd have an entire lifetime to find that. I'd tell her to explore her mind, challenge her thinking, question her values and define her desires and dreams. I'd tell her not to trust everything she hears and to learn as much as she can about differing perspectives. I'd tell her how beautiful she was and how she should appreciate her body and not compare herself to others. I'd tell her not to base her decisions off of those of her twin brother, that she and him are different people and that's ok. I'd tell her to ditch all the boyfriends and really build on her relationships with her girlfriends because those are the ones that last a lifetime. I'd tell her not to follow suit of the "typical" life: don't feel obligated to get your degree, find a career, get married, have kids, etc. I'd tell her that she has a lot of life-defining years ahead of her and that she'll change. And she'll change again. And by the time she's 35 she'll be exactly who she came to this planet to be, and that she'll be nothing like what she was when she was 19. In fact, she'll look at a photo of herself in college and not even recognize that girl. I'd let her know that she's going to get hurt and it is going to fucking suck, but that it'll make her so much stronger. Lastly, I'd tell her to listen to her intuition and trust herself.
I was so goddamn hard on myself for so many years. I remember being a teenager and feeling like I was fat (I never was). I remember trying to change everything about me, my hair, my clothes, my body. Why couldn't I just be proud of who I was? Why wasn't I good enough for myself? What could have made me realize that I've always been ENOUGH?
I can't even imagine what it must be like for young girls today. I didn't grow up with the Internet or social media, and I still had these self-worth issues. We have to do something as a society to help these kids grow up to be self-loving individuals. I wish I knew how. I guess I believe that by telling my story, I'll help someone, somewhere, someday. So girls, if you're reading this: YOU ARE ENOUGH. LOVE YOURSELF. MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY. My younger self begs you to recognize your awesomeness today.