A Little Help for Guys In Online Dating Land
***Note: I am writing this from a heterosexual woman's perspective. Not all of my opinions will jive with everyone but they are based off of my own experiences.***
Guys, let me give you some words of advice here. We all know that online dating blows, that’s no secret. And it blows because we’re all sick of it. Profiles are fake, people are crazy, scams, bots, etc. etc. And worse yet, online dating has now spread to Facebook and Instagram, too. It’s like everyone is so sick of apps that they’ve branched out to social media and are trying to connect that way, in a desperate search for a real person with real friends that you may have in common.
While I am no longer on dating apps, I have done my fair share of time on them. It doesn’t matter what medium you’re chatting on, app or social media; what matters is it’s all the fucking same: Annoying AF. Let me break it down for you. And for simplicity’s sake, let’s just talk dating apps. When you sign up on a dating app, you are asked to create a profile. In your profile, you most likely will mention a few things about yourself: maybe where you work, if you have kids, what you’re looking for in a partner, and what you like to do for fun. There is a REASON a profile exists: to give you ammunition for when you message the girl you matched with.
I want to impart some very helpful advice for my boys out there who need help in the dating world, so pay attention. These are simple rules that will benefit you in the long run.
1. Do NOT start your conversation with, “Hey” or “How’s your day?” or “How was your weekend?” or “Doing anything fun this weekend?”
Why, you ask? Because EVERY guy starts off a conversation like that. Well what’s wrong with that, you ask? It’s so generic and mindless that the girl is going to feel like another cog in the dating wheel.
Side note: Girls want to feel special. If you’ve matched with a girl, you’ve chosen her because you probably think she’s hot and/or you find her interesting in some capacity. So fucking act like you give a shit. “Hey” is not giving a shit. “Hey” is a weak ass opening line to see if the girl will bite and entertain your weak ass attempt. Furthermore, that ammunition I talked about earlier (see 2nd paragraph) is your PERFECT opportunity to ask a meaningful question that will get her attention. If you want her to respond, put a teensy bit of effort into your opening line. Otherwise she will dismiss you like the 15 other douchebags she got “Hey” messages from that day.
2. Ask interesting questions related to the profile.
Short story here: I have been on Tinder, Bumble, The League and Coffee Meets Bagel for short periods of time over the past 2 years. Out of all of the messages I received, there was one that stood out. It was a guy from Tinder who asked, “Are you working on any cool jobs right now?” Now it might seem like this is a very simple, easy question to ask but it did two things: one, it proved to me that he read my profile (bonus points); and 2. It opened the door for plenty of back and forth banter. And I still remember it to this day.
If your approach shows that you’ve read her profile and thought of a question to ask her regarding something in her profile, it appears that you give a shit (see #1 above). It also gives the impression that you aren’t just fishing for someone to respond but that you could genuinely be interested in what she has to say. You can never lose if you are genuine and caring, just FYI.
3. Ask her out. Like soon.
I spent three weeks on Bumble and matched with 30 guys. I messaged 23 of them, and 16 responded. Out of those 16, guess how many asked me out on a date? Go on, guess. I’ll wait…
NONE. Not one. WTF?
IF you match and IF you exchange messages, grow a pair of balls and ask her out! What are you waiting for? Some other guy to swoop in and whisk her away because you’re too much of a pussy to ask? Make the move. What have you go to lose? She might say no? So what? Then you can stop investing time in messaging her and move on. You bros need to work smarter, not harder. Come on now.
4. Have a plan.
Yay, she said yes to going out with you! Congratulations! Now have a plan. Where do you want to meet and when? First dates are always awkward and most of us have resorted to lunches or coffee dates for first dates and that’s fine: there’s nothing wrong with that. No sense in spending a bunch of money on some fancy dinner or experience with someone you’re not sure about, amiright? So here’s the deal: make a suggestion that seems equally doable for the two of you, for example, coffee at a shop between your houses or places of business. The goal here is to make it easy for HER. While most women these days are uber empowered, some of us don’t want to think of a place to meet you. Do that for us. Most of us like that. Also, try not to set your first date for 3 weeks from Wednesday. Try to schedule that shit soon. Like in that same week. Time lapse is like a death sentence for two people who have never met. And for Goddess’ sake, be punctual. And if something crazy happens and you’re late, let her know. This is common sense, social norm stuff.
5. Act Interested.
Oh, the first date went well? Awesome! You like her and would like to see her again? Great! Don’t fuck this up. IF you are interested, ACT interested. IF you want to see her again, ASK her out within a day. What did we learn about time lapse from #4 above? Yeah…death sentence. Here’s the deal: if I go out with a guy and have a great time but then he goes MIA for three days, I’ve already mentally moved on. I say to myself, “If he was interested, he would act interested.” I have eliminated many a guy from my life for this. And even if he is interested but doesn’t communicate, then he’s playing games. And I don’t need that, either. So be CLEAR about what you want from her (in a non-pervy way, please).
In summary, dating doesn’t have to be difficult. Finding someone to invest your time in is the hardest part. So if you find her, put in the effort and make her feel special. It’ll pay off, I promise. Best of luck out there. It’s a jungle.