What Ghosting Really Feels Like

Like seriously, guys. What the hell is going on out there? I just can’t with this crap anymore. I can’t believe that we have become so haphazard with our actions: from ghosting to delayed responses to flakiness and disappearing acts. Do you have any idea of the impact you have on someone that you just disappear on? You are LITERALLY hurting them. Like, pain-hurt. Real hurt. You are playing with their emotions and then disappearing, leaving them to wonder what happened. Like they don’t matter at all. And it’s not ok.

I have this lovely, beautiful, intelligent girlfriend who shared the most infuriating story with me the other day. Sadly, I had a similar one of my own, as many of the incredible women I know do. And it got me to thinking (which is always a dangerous place for me)…

Her story involved a guy she’s known for some time that she recently re-connected with, went on several dates with, experienced some shared feelings and emotional attachment and then poof…he was gone. He suddenly went from attentive and responsive and willingly sharing his feelings for her to nothing. Not responding to texts, no explanation. And you know what? That’s shitty.

Now I don’t know if you know this or not, but women HATE being left hanging. I think men do too, but I doubt they’d ever admit it. They’d probably pass it off like the girl is a bitch and he didn’t like her anyway. But I can say for myself that this kind of thing, this disappearing act…it HURTS. Like cuts-like-a-knife kind of hurt.

When women are left to their own devices when something like this happens, it’s a dangerous place: the excuses she makes for the man, the way she feels violated by him, the ongoing back and forth in her mind about the series of events that could have possibly caused this disconnection…its sheer torture in her mind. She doubts herself as a person, a woman, a lover, a friend. She questions what SHE did wrong, grasping at any and every straw to try to make sense of it. She likely can’t sleep, and likely can’t think about much else for days. It is not only a blow to her ego but also makes her question who she is. What did she do to deserve this treatment? It must be her fault.  The amount of torment she endures through this process is something no one should ever go through. I’d personally rather have a guy tell me to my face that he hates me than have him disappear with no explanation. The truth hurts sometimes, but I’ll get over it. Not knowing the truth is a lot harder to get over.

I also want to say that I believe that the majority of people in this world are good people. I think most people are kind and compassionate. Sure you have your psychos. But I choose to believe there is good in the world, all around us. And that is why I have such a problem with this behavior.

I’m not naive to the way things are: sometimes you go on a date and the vibe isn’t there and you part ways and never speak again. Those aren’t the situations I’m talking about. I’m talking about the situations where things have been shared and words have been spoken; where there’s a hint that something special might be happening. It’s ok to ghost if it’s mutual; it is NOT ok to ghost if someone asks for an explanation. Ignoring someone who asks for a simple explanation is blatant coward move.

We need to stop this; our society has shifted in a way that makes this behavior acceptable and mainstream and I’m here to tell you it’s not. If you have any decency for other humans, you will be honest and up front with them. It’s literally the LEAST you can do. And if you can get your head out of your ass just long enough to realize that, the world of dating would be a far better place.

So please, be kind. If you’ve gone out with someone a couple of times and decide it’s not right for you, let them know (ESPECIALLY if they ask). If you can’t respond to that question, you’re a fucking coward. Grow a pair and take care of it. You are literally hurting them by saying nothing. No response is the worst response.

Side note: To the guy that ghosted me the day we were supposed to meet: I really do want to ask you why you did that. I was actually excited to meet you. But I refuse to chase inconsiderate assholes, so I’m cool with not hearing your excuse. Peace out, MF.