Resentment And Envy

I recently heard Brene Brown say that resentment is not about anger; resentment is a function of envy. And that shit hit hard.

I’m paraphrasing her of course because I don’t feel like looking for the video clip and quoting it exactly, but you get the gist. When we think of being resentful, we often think about being angry. We’re resentful (angry) because our husbands get to watch golf while we have to do the dishes, or because we got passed up for a promotion at work by someone who didn’t deserve it. But “angry” isn’t the right emotion. We’re resentful because we’re envious of our husbands for getting to do what they want to do instead of doing the household chores. Or we’re envious of that coworker for getting that sweet promotion. It’s about feeling envious of something we want for ourselves, that we aren’t able to have.

I have spent the majority of my adult life in some state of resentment envy. Being a natural-born people-pleaser will do that to a person. It started in my marriage and seems to have crept into just about every relationship I’ve ever had. Perhaps it’s my co-dependency issues or maybe the fact that I’m a bit of a control freak, but regardless, the envy I feel for those I “help” is something that I am now reliving and trying to understand.

Envy is a real bitch. That feeling of wanting something you can’t have, for being jealous of what someone else gets to do or be. Envy is isolating, making you feel unworthy, undeserving and helpless. And while it is a complicated emotion, it really boils down to expectations and the failure to have your expectations met.

I know that a lot of mothers and wives can relate to what I have to say here. I think there are plenty of men out there too that can relate to feeling resentful towards their partners too. Relationships are such a fine balance that can so easily get thrown out of whack. One little missed chore here and a snide remark there can really tip the scales after a while. And that’s where I’m at today and what inspired me to write about this.

Unfortunately, I’m one of those people who lets shit build for a really long time. My natural demeanor is very easy-going, and since I’m really good (and by good I mean efficient) at housework (cooking, cleaning, laundry, fixing sinks, hanging stuff, etc.), I tend to take on a lot more around the house than anyone else. And while I may not ask for help all the time, I do expect it. And when my expectations aren’t met, it starts to pile on my heart, and eventually I blow up. I become resentful of my partner for not being more helpful not necessarily because I’m angry that I feel like I’m doing more than him but because I’m jealous that he gets to benefit from my hard work. It’s fucked up in a way, but totally understandable if you think about it.

There comes a point in many domestic relationships where one feels that they do more than the other. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that the majority of you reading this right now can pinpoint a relationship where you felt like you carried more of a burden than your partner. But knowing that to be true, what can we do about it?

First, we have to not have expectations. Or if we do have expectations, we need to make them very clear and understood among all parties.

Second, we need to be open to communicating about things as they come up. I’m forever in fear of being a nag and that fear stops me from speaking up and communicating my needs. I’ve struggled with that for a very long time and am always working on feeling heard.

Third, we need to hold each other accountable. We cannot keep letting things slide without discussion or awareness. Making excuses for the lack of participation of our partner to the point that it escalates into a fight is not the way to manage a relationship.

Lastly, we need to become more aware of how we appear in a relationship. Are we always doing everything? Or is our partner always doing everything? Do we have a fair share of responsibility? Is there one area where one could pick up more to offset the burden of the other?

All relationships have their issues, but envy and resentment will tank a relationship fast. It is so important to keep on each other, ask for help when you need it and take inventory of what’s really going on. Life is too busy and stressful for all of us and true partnership can really help buffer the effects those things have on our lives. Be a better partner, do your own internal work and put the relationship first. Everything else will fall into place and resentment in your relationship will hopefully be a thing of the past.