How Is Your Emotional Intelligence?

What does it mean to be emotionally intelligent? Have you ever heard of this term before?

In a nutshell, emotional intelligence is your ability to recognize and process your emotions and use your emotional intelligence to guide your behavior and actions. In other words, being emotionally intelligent means you're #woke. Aware of what's going on internally and knowing how to process it. 

I feel like recently I've been calling in a lot of people, men specifically, that need help with their emotional intelligence. I hope to one day be able to help them in a technical, educated way. But today, I'm just a girl with a lot of opinions on the subject. And lucky you, you get to hear it.

I have a male friend that attracts a lot of women with "daddy issues." I myself have drawn in several men that have "mommy issues." Let's face it, we all have issues; what's important to ask is, do you know why? Can you accurately name the impact your mom/dad had on your life as a child and how it has manifested in your life as an adult? Have you been able to break down the feelings and emotions that those experiences have given you and identify where it has affected you in life today? Furthermore, have you been able to accept, forgive and release those emotions? And know what triggers them? And how to navigate through it all as it rears its ugly head in every day life/relationships? 

In my personal life, I’m on a quest to start with my boys and teach them emotional intelligence. Our society is so gender role driven that things like, “oh, you’re fine, stop crying,” or “they’re such boys!” are phrases often spoken to or about our young men. And what so many people don’t realize is that this way of speaking can actually be really harmful. Minimizing a child’s pain, no matter how big or small, will lead to suppressed emotions and eventually, manifest in an inability to identify how they really feel.

Becoming emotionally intelligent is hard fucking work, especially if you’ve lived your life suppressing your emotions. It takes a lot of introspection, analysis and thinking. And sadly, I believe that’s a huge deterrent for a lot of people. I can tell you a good place to start is with inquiry: start asking clarifying questions of yourself and see what you get. Start with the hard questions…it’ll get easier, I promise. But don’t lie to yourself, either.

My boys are 6 and 8, and whenever one of them is crying about something, I ask them why. I keep asking why until they give me an emotion. And then I ask why again. It looks something like this:

Me: Why are you crying?

Him: I’m mad.

Me: Why are you mad?

Him: Because…

Me: Because why?

Him: Because…(this goes on for several rounds and this is where I try to guide him)

Me: Are you mad because you struck out in baseball?

Him: Yes

Me: Why are you mad about that?

Him: Because I struck out (again, we go around and around…)

Me: Do you think you’re mad because you feel embarrassed?

Him: Yes.

OK, so you get the point. “Mad” is the word he knows, but “embarrassed” is the actual emotion tied to that broad “mad” feeling. The point of this little discussion is to show you that your initial thoughts on how you feel may not be the foundation of what you actually feel. Using inquiry to dig deep and get to the bottom of the real reason is what will help you navigate these sticky, emotional situations.

The more emotionally intelligent we become, the less harm we create for ourselves and others in our lives. For boys and men especially, shutting down is not an option. Closing yourself off to people who care about you is no way to process your feelings. I hope that one day we can all learn how to process these deep-seated emotional traumas and help our kids to be so aware that they won’t suffer the way we have.

My bestie and I always say, we know our kids will have baggage, we can’t avoid that. We just want to make sure that they’re only carrying a carry-on full, not a fleet of extra large luggage.