Great Expectations

Dating is so disappointing, amiright? It’s the consensus I get from so many people and sources. There are Instagram pages devoted to calling out all the shitty things about dating these days. So what’s the problem? Of course I can’t speak to each individual’s situation or experience, but I can certainly tell you about mine. So here it goes.

First of all, I’m old enough to know what I what and what I don’t want. I’ve been down the relationship road many times and I’ve met the good, the bad and the ugly. But through these experiences, you learn a little bit more each time. There comes a point with every person where you’ll say, “yeah, next time…I’m totally going to avoid a guy who does x.” That’s the beauty of the experiment, figuring out all those fun things. So the problem that I run into frequently is finding that guy that is all of the things that I want and none of what I don’t. Does he actually exist? I have yet to find him.

I can only imagine that if I’m having a problem finding a guy that checks my boxes, that other men and women out there are also having this problem. So what can we do to help ourselves? Make more specific dating profiles? I thought it would be funny to write a super truthful dating profile for myself. I imagine if I actually tried to use this that I would get zero responses. But maybe then guys would know what to expect when they meet me. And that’s what it’s all about right? Expectations? Just for shits, here’s what I’d write:

Me: Self-sufficient, educated, articulate, strong, bossy boss lady. Extremely self-aware, know what I want mother of two. Spiritual to the point you’ll call me woo woo, intuitive to the point I’ll call you on your shit before you even know you’re about to fling it. I take no crap, I demand respect and refuse to play games or participate in dramatic activities. I’ll cook for you and take care of you like nothing you’ve ever experienced but you better damn well appreciate it.

You: Have your shit together in all aspects of your life. Know clearly who you are and what you want, have zero insecurities and think I’m as bomb as they come. Self-actualized (and know what that means), driven, motivated, successful, tall and muscular (What? I should be able to request abs and arms in my fake dating profile, ok)? Would be great if you owned a house and a car and know what it’s like to pay your own bills. Love your family, respect your mother and the women in your life. Know a good thing when you see it and don’t do dumb ass shit. Self-sabotage, self-worth issues and game playing are not allowed.

There. That was fun, wasn’t it?

So the point I’m trying to make is that with these real expectations that I have for men, it’s no wonder I have yet to find someone who meets my criteria. Except maybe Chris Pratt. He’d probably do it. (insert heart emoji). These expectations I have for this miracle man leave me nothing but disappointed. It's frustrating not getting what you want! It makes me want to throw in the towel altogether. 

So how can we get to the point where someone can meet most of our criteria in order to let some of these potential mates in? And don’t say relax your criteria, that’s not an option. Never settle, my friends. The answer is to be open minded enough to recognize a good thing when it’s in front of you. To realize that some of these things take time to develop and that you can both help each other in your growth to a fully self-actualized human being. In other words, it’s ok to not have it all right now. What’s important is that you and your partner are on the same trajectory and are willing to travel that path together.

This is where I warn you, however. If you’ve dated someone for a while and you don’t see a shift towards a common direction, cut your losses and move on. People are damn good at talking and shitty at doing.

And lastly, hear me on this: allow yourself to be vulnerable. Nobody gets what they want by wearing a massive shield around their heart. Yes, you’ll get hurt. Yes, it’ll suck. But you’ll learn so much about yourself and others. And that alone is worth the struggle.

And the dating struggle is real.