Running Away or Leveling Up?
Have you ever been in your car, driving along on a road so familiar that you let your mind wander and you have a sudden realization that you can’t believe what date it is or what year it is or how your kids got so big or how you got so old? That happened to me today. It happens fairly often, actually. It’s like a time warp snapshot within my own brain. A little surreal, a little scary; but it’s over so quickly and I don’t usually have the time to dwell on it.
But today, it festered. Today, I realized some things that I want to kick and scream about, some things I wish I hadn’t let control me for so long, some things I don’t want to admit to myself.
I realized 4 years ago that the life I was living wasn’t serving me. I realized I was unhappy, and stuck. And I did everything I could to unstick myself. Quit my job, separated from my husband, started a new career, moved to a new house, started another business, and another, and another. Chasing chasing chasing. Chasing a dream, chasing an idea, chasing a better something. A better life. A better situation. Always on the run, always moving towards something “better.”
I realized today that I allowed someone else to hold my hopes and dreams in their hands. I relied on a good friend to fulfill his side of a bargain, to take the next steps to bring us all the things we’ve both spent our entire lives wanting. The Disney Princess part of me wants to be saved by a Prince: to fill the void, provide the support, cheer me on and be an active participant in my life. But when it comes to action, and the Prince doesn’t jump in (or even stand up), that’s when you know he’s not YOUR prince. And that is ROUGH.
I’m mad at myself for trusting him, for believing that we wanted the same things. I’m mad at myself for projecting this idea of what life could be like if all the pieces fell into place, the life I could have, the impact I could make. I’m mad at the fact that I seemingly can’t do what I want to do without him, because I’m not good enough on my own. I found my puzzle piece only to realize the puzzle has changed, and it no longer fits.
My brothers say I do too much, and I know they worry about me. They’re intelligent, successful businessmen. Their hearts and minds are in alignment with the work they do and they’re happy doing it. And they want me to be that way too. They would love for me to settle on one thing, and get really, really good at that one thing, and just do that one thing. But I’m unable to commit to one thing. I always thought it was because I had too many interests, but I’m starting to think that maybe it’s just me running away…not because I’m scared but because I’m defiant. I don’t want to live the status quo. I don’t want the 9-5, M-F like most everyone else. I don’t want to work for the man or make someone else rich. I want to be the reason I succeed. I want to create the life I want. It’s just fucking hard, man.
Realizing that this desired path with my friend is no longer, I’m now off searching for the next thing. What’s next? Where am I going now? What can I do instead? My mind is a complex flow chart of if-then statements and arrows. I can see the multiple paths laid out in front of me, pluses and minuses of each one detailed out but all looking the same, making it impossible to choose. And so the chase ensues. The marathon begins. I’m not sure of the route, but I’ll figure it out. I always do.