Can I Have Your Attention Please?

Will the asshole in the corner please stand up? (in your best Eminem voice)

Since this is my blog and I write about my life, I’m going to do something that everyone should to do anyone who treats them like shit. Maybe if we worked less on silencing our voices by “taking the high road” and more on voicing our truth, bad people wouldn’t continue to get away with the things they do. Maybe getting called out is what they need. So, you’re welcome…

I’ve thought so many times about creating a Mean Girls-esque Burn Book about men I’ve dated. I’d Regina George their asses and share it with every single woman in the dating community so she could be clued in as to what to expect if she were to run into him. I must be really fucking lucky because let me tell you I’ve seen it all. My burn book would be filled with stories and phrases of lies I’ve heard, things I’ve been told and the injustices that I’ve seen. But my better self has always prevailed to the point where I take the high road. And I can tell you that the high road is no longer serving me in these instances. Its time to get this shit out there and to unload the unjust ways these men have treated me and no doubt, countless other women. The format of this post will be a similar style to my post, Letters To My Ex-Lovers . To protect the guilty, I’ll use their geographic location to describe who they are. Wouldn’t it be fun if one of you read these and discovered that you know this guy? DM me if you think you know these guys. It would be epic.

To the one in Anacortes:

You are my most recent disappointment. You are the definition of a narcissistic womanizer, and I can’t believe I fell for it. You hide behind your glasses and your beard, your respectable profession and the fact that you’re a dad, but deep down you’re a lying, dismissive, cowardly man. You came on strong and said all the right things and I’m convinced that you used our conversations to create the person I would open up to and trust. You groomed me the way a serial killer grooms his victims: you premeditated your words and actions to lock me in. You took me out on very nice dates, you talked long term about us (remember when you mentioned that we should plan some trips? Or that I should help you decorate your house and make it a home? You made me think you were on a self-awareness and acknowledgement journey, recovering from all your pain and trauma and said things like, “You are getting the very best version of me,” “I’m sensitive and empathic and emotional, be careful with my heart,” and “I just want peace.” I imagine these are things you’ve told all the women in your life: I imagine you’ve told every one of them how beautiful their eyes are, how their self-awareness is sexy, how they make a beautiful home and how you want a partner to do that with. And then I imagine, you go cold. Or is that only with me? Did you lose my number? Did you meet someone new? Did you just grow bored of the best thing that could have ever happened to you?

The problem that I have with you is that you’re a coward. You couldn’t even text me to tell me the truth, whatever the truth is. You just disappeared. And how dare you do that…how dare you treat someone that way, someone that was so hopeful about you. Someone who has waited years to hear the lies you insisted were truth. I wonder what your mother would say if she knew how you treated me. I remember on our first date when you brought me a sunflower and said, “My mom would be so disappointed if I didn’t bring you a flower for our first date.” Would she really? Because I bet she’d be far more disappointed to know that her son thinks its ok to tell lies about who he is until he gets bored of keeping up the lies and disappears.

If I could give you any advice it would be to ask your therapist for a refund: clearly the five years you’ve been seeing him hasn’t done shit for making you a better person. Or perhaps you’ve been manipulating him this entire time too, putting on a show. I hope you don’t teach your boys that women are disposable. I hope they don’t see your cowardice and think it’s ok to behave that way. And I hope that men’s group that you pay to be a part of to help “enlighten” you fills your head with valuable clues to unlock who you truly are, not just stroke your ego to get your money. You are the most dangerous type of man there is: good looking, seemingly kind and genuine and such a good liar that even you believe yourself. This is your call-out, here in black and white for you to read every day of your life to recognize how I see you. And probably how every woman you’ve treated this way sees you. My dream for you is that you recognize the weight of your words and the impact they have on others; how you can so easily get someone convinced that you’re a great guy, to the point where she lets her guard down and trusts you. You are a predator and this is all part of your manipulative strategy: it’s how you were the Master of Debate in college. Old habits die hard, I suppose.

To the one in Aberdeen:

To be honest, I don’t think you’re a bad guy. But I do think you’re extremely traumatized and unaware of how badly that affects you in day to day life. Intially, you came off confident and protective, interested and endearing. You raved about how you’re a “girl dad” so you “know how women should be treated.” Your past work of being in the military and law enforcement were admirable traits, but laced with trauma and injury which have left a lasting impression on your life. You know something is wrong with your situation and you aren’t doing anything about it, and that’s too bad. It just shows that you’re stubborn and stuck. And that whole girl dad lie…you probably believe its true but I’m telling you that you wouldn’t ever tolerate a man who treated your daughters the way you treated me. You believe you are a certain way and you just aren’t that way. Just like the others, you had me convinced that you were a person I could trust. And honestly, you were pretty trustworthy. I believed that you were a good, honest man. I believed you when you told me that your goal is to “always do better.” Somehow I confused that goal with the idea that you’d be open to communication and discussion. But I was wrong there.

You met me with cockiness, aggressiveness and irritation. I couldn’t have a real conversation about how I felt with you because you’d get defensive and tell me, “your anxiety is your problem.” Note to dipshit: I’m not anxious. But I will tell you this: YOU made me anxious. You made me doubt what we had. I mean, a few months of daily texts and phone calls was riveting and all, and those three weeks when I didn’t see you at all? Killer. But take a lesson from this: when you’re in a relationship with someone who lives far away, that relationship will take more work. Distance creates barriers, and you my friend, couldn’t navigate the barriers. You have an incredible amount of baggage and I’m truly sympathetic to what you’ve been through. But that doesn’t give you the excuse to raise your voice at me, criticize me for feeling a certain way, and hanging up on me. I don’t tolerate that shit and neither does other any self-respecting woman. But you’re a girl dad, so you know this, right? Oh….I guess not.

To the one in Kingston:

I was totally taken by you from the first moment we spoke on the phone. You had the best voice: smooth and deep, like an old-school radio DJ. Oh that’s right, you were one!

You hit me HARD with the hours-long phone conversations, acting ever so interested in the things I had to say. You sent me gifts, hundreds of dollars worth of shoes and yoga mats and flowers (you were the first guy to ever deliver flowers to my house, in fact…sad to say at 39 years old). You fooled me with your generosity, something that I’d never experienced before. I mistook your gifts as tokens of care, like you wanted to be with me. Until you decided one day that you didn’t. Over night you turned on me, and although I can’t prove it, I’m pretty sure it was because you weren’t over your ex. You went from buying me extravagant gifts to being the, “I’m not sure if we’ll ever be a couple” guy. Like your gifts were boxes of empty emotions filled only with material items meant to distract the fact that you weren’t quite sure where you were with this dating thing.

I’ve never spoken to you again because, let’s face it, I don’t need any more “friends.” And I’m totally fine with that. I hope that you made it back to your ex and that you rolled right back into the pattern of love-hate that you’re so used to. I’m even happier that I didn’t stick around to watch it all unfold. You were much to old for me anyway. Sadly, at 50+ years old, you still don’t know what you want. That’s too bad.

To the one in Kirkland,

Man, I really liked you. Like a lot. You and I had an incredible chemistry together, unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. You are much older than I am, but that was ok: we jived on so many levels that we worked…until you decided you didn’t deserve the best. We’ve talked a couple of times since you called things off between us, out of the blue, at a very vulnerable time for me. You wanted to see me again. After three months, and after going back to your toxic ex, you wanted me again. I can see why. I probably was the only person in your life that would have checked all your boxes if you hadn’t been so blinded by the toxicity and chaos of your past relationships. I remember saying to you one time that I hope you don’t get bored with me because I’m not at all dramatic. I whole-heartedly meant that and I can see that I was right. It seems you needed another jolt of dysfunctionality to set you straight, but I’m sorry, its just too late.

I actually think of you often and miss the connection we had. You visited me in a dream the other day, with your arms wrapped tightly around me. I could recall the feeling of warmth and security I felt when I woke up, and my bed felt colder just thinking about it. My loneliness haunts me on days when I think of your embrace, so I try to block it out.

You are incredibly smart and motivated, but your selfishness puts a wedge between you and a loving relationship. You offer little wiggle room to improve, although you say you’re “doing the work,” which I still believe you don’t fully grasp. Self-awareness is a struggle for a lot of people and while you have the desire to be better, it’s very hard for you to see yourself: both the good and the bad. To this day, I don’t know that we would have made it long term, but boy would I have tried.

Fuck You to Anacortes, Good Luck to Aberdeen, Later to Kingston and Best Wishes to Kirkland. May this Burn Book live in infamy in Dating Land and provide hope to the women (and men) who are mistreated to raise their voices and make it known to their assailants. If not to their face, in a journal, an email or a scrap piece of paper. Let it out, burn it up, and move on. God speed, my friends.